It has been said that slowing down is the greatest act of civil disobedience one can commit in our society. Slow down and take time for your child.
--John Breeding

The Colt of a Booklet

WHAT ELSE TO DO

Resistance

"The Secret of Joy is Resistance"(2)

Resist. Make it clear that you will not put your child on psychiatric drugs. Let school and mental health professionals know that you have ruled out this option. You are involved, you will participate, you will consider alternatives, but no more discussion of drugs. The drugs are toxic, dangerous to your child’s brain, body, and soul.

Support

Get SUPPORT for yourself. I’m not talking here about support for your child, but for you. Parenting is an incredibly demanding job, and our society offers precious little by way of support. Figure out ways to get practical support, child care, time off, help. Get emotional support for yourself. Raising a child inevitably and without fail triggers your own distress. It is the law that your stuff will come up in dealing with your children.

Get support in handling the incredible stress placed on you in this current situation. Explore and express thoughts and feelings coming up for you now. The best thing you can do for your child is to get help for yourself around where it gets hard and you get emotionally activated.

Get support specifically with the experience of parenting. Parents listening to each other talk about parenting is incredibly valuable. Find other parents and talk and listen. The best support and thinking I know of around children and parenting is through a grassroots peer counseling organization called Re-Evaluation Counseling (RC). This and other resources are listed at the end of this booklet.

Time

It has been said that Slowing Down, the ultimate speed bump, is the greatest act of civil disobedience one can commit in our society. It is crucial that you do, for your sake and your child’s. Much has been written about The Hurried Child (a book by David Elkind). It is so important to create a relaxed atmosphere, free of pressure.

Slow Down and take time for your child. Quality time is good, but much more important is just time. Young people need time to be nurtured and supported and loved and involved with you; they need enough time without pressure to show you their distress. If they can’t get it out with you, then where?

Down Time

This is an extremely useful concept, related to slowing down. The idea is that children in our society are over-stimulated (see The Endangered Mind by Jane Healy). Constant activity and stimulation, radio, TV, video, computer, etc. No quiet, no stillness, no room for inner seedlings to grow. It is so important to allow children to have down time. It is phenomenon called:

• (Child) I want to watch TV.
  • (Parent) No.
• (Child) I’m bored. What are we going to do now?
  • (Parent) Nothing.
• (Child) I’m bored (restless, banging around, complaining...)
  • (Parent) I’m sure you’ll think of something to do..., etc.

One of two things will probably happen. Most of the time he or she will eventually pick something up or start drawing or reading, or go outside and play. However, be prepared because sometimes it gets worse before it improves. If he or she is not used to down time, he or she will show withdrawal symptoms of irritability and crankiness. Be prepared and know that it will get better. You are preparing fertile ground for your child’s development. One other thing can happen that may look like withdrawal symptoms. Your child will use you as a counselor. I say more about this in the next section.

Special Time

The concept of special time is a very good one for all young people, and especially for one who’s having a hard time. It means that you, as loving parent, care enough to set time aside (15 minutes, 30 minutes, 2 hours, 4 hours,... every night or once a week, whatever you can do) out of your busy life especially for your child. Just you and he or she, no one else. You do exactly what he or she wants (it is OK to set limits on spending money according to your resources), and you are delightfully involved. (You later counsel on anything that gets in the way of your delightful involvement with your child). He or she’s the boss.

Attention

It is useful to remember here that "attention deficit disorder" is an extremely funny disease in which the primary subjective symptoms reside not in the patient but in the surrounding adults. It is useful to follow this awareness a bit further to propose the following maladies.

TADD - Teacher Attention Deficit Disorder(3)

Teaching is an incredibly difficult and undersupported job. A stressed teacher who lacks good free attention is more likely to have difficulty being fluid and flexible and creative enough to deal with demanding children.

As a parent, one thing you can do if you want is to see yourself as a counselor for your child’s teacher. Let them unload their complaints and difficulties, sympathize and give them all the support you can.

A teacher who really buys the delusion of a BioPsychiatric interpretation of children’s behavior can be dangerous. Be firm and stand strong in your own decisions.

DADD - Dad Attention Deficit Disorder

Our society is such that fathers are often absent; our society makes it extremely difficult for a man to make time for his children. I can only emphasize what an incredible difference it makes to a youngster to have his or her father actively interested, involved, engaged and close. Do everything you can to make this happen.

SADD - School/Societal Attention Deficit Disorder

Matthew Fox said that "We are a nation that hates its enemies more than we love our young people." It is extremely sad, indeed, to give up on our children and drug them by the hundreds of thousands. No easy solutions here. As the Breggins pointed out in War Against Children, in raising children there are many times for responsible adults when it comes down to this decision: EITHER SUPPRESS THE CHILD OR TRANSFORM THE WAY YOU DO YOUR LIFE.

On Counseling Children

There is so much that is important to know; I offer the following brief bit of guidance from the theory of Re-Evaluation Counseling.

Theory

1. Human Beings are inherently zestful, intelligent, loving, and cooperative.
2. When hurt physically or emotionally, distress is experienced and recorded in the body and the emotions. This distress interferes with all the above qualities of our inherent nature (i.e. we become less intelligent and cooperative).
3. Fortunately, human beings have a natural built-in mechanism for healing from the effects of having been hurt. This mechanism can be called emotional discharge, getting your feelings out.
4. Children will use their parents as a primary resource to do this if it is safe and they are supported to do so.

Tips

1. Know that children are not "reasonable" when upset. They generally don’t "talk it out."
2. Your attention is the key. Counsel your child when you feel pretty awake and aware. Don’t try to counsel your child when you are emotionally upset.
3. Remember that emotional expression (crying, shaking from fear, angry talk) is not the hurt; "The Tears are the Healing." We are so often taught to confuse the hurt with the release of the hurt. When a child cries (unless they are in acute response to pain such as a diaper pin sticking them), he or she is releasing a hurt; it was already in there before he or she cried. No need to stop it; relax, stay close, encourage the tears.
4. Stay close. Keep reaching in. Know that your child wants to be completely close. It is only the distress that pushes you away.
5. Remember when a child shows anger that he or she really doesn’t want to hurt anyone or anything. Protect your child from doing harm, and be confident that he or she is doing what he or she can to get some really hard feelings out.
6. Few in our parents’ generation had this information, so few of us were supported to express emotionally. Doing this for your child will not be easy. Counsel your child, but get help where it is really hard.

A Note on Seeking Professional Help

If you get professional help, however, be sure and find out the approach and perspective of those you consider. Ask them tough questions about how they see children and families. Make sure they whole-heartedly support your decision to avoid drugging your child. Make sure that they think about young people in a way that really makes sense and is consistent with what you are doing as a parent. Expect complete respect for you and your child.

Four Very Special Gifts for Your Children

It is true that I am strongly challenging the illusion of Biopsychiatry which attempts to reduce the incredible nature of your children and the tremendous difficulties associated with school performance to biological and genetic abnormalities. To say it again specifically, I think it is a tragic mistake to act as if academic, behavioral and social challenges are a result of biological or genetic defects, and to drug children with stimulants for "treatment."

At the same time, it is extremely important to know that behavior (including attention) cannot be without its physiological, neurological and biochemical correlates. Emotional distress greatly affects all these factors and I have written above about ways to help children with emotional distress. Now I want to briefly mention four very specific, common sense areas to examine in exploring ways to affect the biochemistry of your children in a positive way.

There is a simple law about being in a human body: "What Goes In Must Come Out." "The Quality of What Comes Out is Related to the Quality of What Goes In." (Corollary: "Garbage in garbage out.")

This simple truth has profound implications. Once understood, it imparts great responsibility. I encourage you as parents to think of this responsibility as an opportunity to provide four very special gifts for yourselves and for your children. These gifts are quality Food, Light, Sound, and Talk.

Food

The place we have the greatest control and influence in the quality of our child’s health, attention and behavior has to do with nutrition. The evidence is very clear that food affects health, mood and behavior. A lot has been written about the specific link between food and hyperactivity.

The amount of junk food that children in the United States eat is appalling. As a parent, you can go a long way in helping the biochemistry of your child by keeping the following two items at a minimum:

1. Sugar (in all its disguises)- white sugar, brown sugar, sucrose, fructose, corn syrup, etc. (Please note that substitutes such as Nutrasweet are also toxic and have been linked directly to problems with children!)
2. Chemical Additives and Preservatives - Read the labels and be selective.

You should be aware that some children have specific food allergies. These are often related to sugar and/or chemical additives, but can definitely include other foods. Dairy, in particular, has been shown to be a major negative factor in many children’s health and behavior. Always consider this where there are recurrent congestive problems or ear infections. (See Oski’s book in reference section)

Encourage fresh fruit. Fresh is best with any food. Organic, free of pesticides and other chemicals, is best. Go for as little processing of the food as possible. The closer the food to its whole, natural state, the more nutritious and healthy it is for your child. I know from personal experience that it is extremely difficult to feed children well in a society that is so out-of-balance with food. Do the best you can. It’s worth the effort.

Light

Along with the rising incidence of so-called "attention disorders," you may have noticed that more and more Americans are wearing glasses (I’ve heard estimates of 70%), and more and more children are experiencing vision problems.

Not long ago we humans spent 90% of our time out-of-doors. The average citizens of the United States now spends 97% of their time indoors.

Some research has been done which indicates that the quality of light in a classroom directly affects attention and behavior. We clearly know it affects the eyes. The recommendation is to keep TV and video watching at a minimum; and realize that a computer screen has a similar effect on the eyes. The greatest gift is to make sure your children spend as much time outdoors as possible. Give them the gift of full-spectrum light!

Sound

How often has your child experienced the gift of quiet, of silence? How often has he or she sat in a place free of man-made noise and listened to the wind and the waters, and other sounds in nature? I realize many of us in the cities cannot easily provide this gift, but it is so important.

Research and experience have clearly demonstrated the effects of sound on mood, behaviour, health, thinking and learning. Please do the best you can to provide your child as much time as possible in an environment where the quality of sound is calm, quiet, soothing, peaceful.

A major problem related to the topic of this booklet is stimulation. Our children are massively over-stimulated. This over-stimulation interferes with ability to be self-directed. It interferes with the quality of awareness and attention. It interferes with physiology, neurology, Biochemistry. An over-stimulated mind and body cannot rest, does not know calm. It’s true children love excitement ; give them that. You can do your child great service, however, by providing time in an environment with good food, good light, good sound. Healthy stimulation.

Talk

Jane Healy puts it very directly in the Endangered Minds. Talk is "the magic formula." Conversation builds the "executive brain." In order to sustain attention and concentration, young people must have experienced the "Rich Broth of Language and Reflection." This experience of "inner speech" is necessary to develop a capacity for personal thought and problem solving.

It is really quite simple. You must talk with your child - a lot! Help your children talk and think their way through a problem. Adults must act as coaches to show children how to internalize speech; this act teaches strategies for thinking. Personal thought and problem solving result.

There are at least three prerequisites for the development of inner speech and the executive brain. First is quiet; a child must have time in an environment free of over-stimulating background noise and programming. Second is competent and caring adults to act as coaches; you provide a model of reflective thought and you coach your child, asking questions, drawing out his or her thinking the way through problems. Third, you talk and listen.

This domain of conversation is a place where you act as a "scaffold" for your child, meeting dependency needs by providing support, encouraging independence by listening to and drawing out your child’s own thinking. This mutually shared responsibility is a great gift and is optimal for your child’s development.

I’ll conclude this section by quoting Kenneth Klivington, editor of The Brain, Cognition and Education. When asked how he would advise parents, he immediately responded:

"I continue to place the emphasis on the need to generate language and thought, not just listen and watch. If we consider the brain as an organ of thought, it has to be structured to work right. If you don’t wire your computer right, it isn’t going to work right."

A Special Note on TV

By now you have no doubt realized that I see television as, for the most part, a harmful technology and passive activity. It would be a grave disservice were I not to place just a little more emphasis on TV since it is so ubiquitous; since the average person in our society spends 5 hours daily in front of the TV. It is no exaggeration to say that the main activity of life for Americans, besides work and sleep, is TV. TV is probably the most massive single input into the lives of our country’s young people today. The number of minutes per week that the average child watches TV is 1,680. In contrast, the number of minutes per week that parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children is 38.5 What a shame.

In this brief section, I want to emphasize that I am not talking about the content; much has been said about TV violence and TV sex and TV advertising and TV insanity and TV values. PBS or MTV, sports or drama, sex or sitcom, no matter. I am talking about the very act of watching any TV. In a similar view, I am not talking about the insidious and conscienceless manipulation of young people’s minds by a corporate world whose primary guiding value is and always will be a profit motive.

My purpose here is to draw your attention to the fundamental nature of the technology and how it acts on the minds of children. I will use three of the subtitles from Jerry Mander’s chapter on TV as audiovisual training in his book, In the Absence of the Sacred.

Freedom of Speech for the Wealthy

This point is quite simple. Only the largest corporations in the world dominate the broadcast signals for the obvious reason that only they can afford it. TV is a private system in the hands of the largest corporations. Freedom of speech could not be further from the truth. Mander shares the most shocking statistic:

The average American who watches five hours of television per day sees approximately 21,000 commercials per year.

21,000 identical messages about life, all aggressively saying "Buy something - do it now!"

The Technology of Passivity

This is about how TV affects human beings. Just the fact that TV is on for an average of 8 hours a day in American homes is de facto proof of its hypnotic quality. The term "Zombie" has been used by many parents to describe TV’s effects on their children. Scientists have studied this phenomena and found that the brain slips into an "alpha" brainwave mode after watching some TV. This is a noncognitive made, meaning no thinking, no filtering. Information can be placed directly into the mind, without viewer participation.

Mander mentions three factors about why the brain slips into this mode with TV. One is the lack of eye movement. When an image does not have to be sought, a key aspect of mental stimulation is lost. The second factor, according to psychologists who use hypnotism, is that TV very effectively induces a hypnotic trance. Looking at a flickery TV screen (60x/second) is just like staring at a hypnotist’s candle.

Mander considers his third factor most important. Images come from the TV screen at their own speed as an image "stream," outside the viewer’s control. No pulling out images. No contemplation. No active participation. If you attempt to do so, you fall behind.

In order to watch TV, you have to surrender to the images; you must allow the images to enter at their speed. The only other choice is to withdraw from the experience.

Comparing television-viewing to drug experience, Mander concludes that TV has many of the characteristics of Valium and other tranquilizers. He goes on to say that is only half the story, however. If TV is a drug, says Mander, it is not really valium, it is speed. For our purposes, the equation goes like this:

• TV is speed
• Ritalin is speed
• Therefore, TV is Ritalin

Next, I conclude this section on TV by quoting two paragraphs from Jerry Mander which show how TV directly promotes hyperactivity.

Acceleration of the Nervous System

"In their famous study of the effects of television, researchers at Australian National University predicted that as television became more popular in Australia, there would be a corresponding increase in hyperactivity among children. I found this prediction alarming because many parents of hyperactive children place their kids in front of the television set, where they seem to calm down. Apparently, the opposite effect is what finally results.

Here’s how it works: While sitting quietly in front of the TV, the child sees people punching each other on the screen. There is the impulse to react -- the fight-or-flight instinct is activated -- but since it would be absurd to react to a television fight, the child suppresses the emotion. As the fighting continues, so does the cycle of impulse and suppression. Throughout the television-viewing experience, the child is drawn back and forth on this see-saw of action and suppression, all the while appearing zapped and inactive. When the set goes off, this stored-up energy bursts forth in the disorganized, frantic behavior that we associate with hyperactivity. Often, the only calming act is to again put the set on, which starts the cycle anew. But there are also more subtle ways that television speeds humans up."

Please consider that TV trains children for drug dependency and for commodity dependency. I very highly recommend that you read Mander’s work (see references) and allow yourself to think the unthinkable: What about the Elimination of Television?

I had a client recently whose presenting problem was a struggle with her husband over a gun when she threatened to shoot their TV. When presented with a similar dilemma, Swami Beyondananda (Steve Bhaerman, New Texas Magazine) recommended that they go ahead and shoot the TV. His advice was to substitute each evening two hours of Tell-A-Vision in which family members take turns sharing their dreams and visions for life. What a Gift!

I want to end this section with a quote from the conclusion of Jane Healy’s (1990) chapter called "Sesame Street and the Death of Reading."

"Children immersed from birth in the spicy sensory bouillabaisse of visual immediacy will not become readers unless they have also soaked up the Rich Broth of Language and Reflection. Preschoolers who have been sold gimmicks in the name of learning and school-age children whose needs are habituated to the easy pleasures of viewing may well find the culture of school an alien one. Their brains, shaped by visual novelty, may gradually lose the ability to bend themselves intelligently around the written word." (P. 234)

Touch

Jean Liedloff, in The Continuum Concept, coined a phrase that puts a name on something which deeply affects most of us parents. It’s called "In-Arms-Deprivation." What this means is that we are deeply affected by an unmet need to be held in arms as a baby. Babies need to be held constantly in the first 6 months of life, and a great deal of the time thereafter. Fortunately we have recovered some from the professional advice that our own parents received which was to leave babies in their cribs, let them cry themselves to sleep, feed them on schedule, etc. However, this fact of our own upbringing, together with the busyness and demands of life, still makes it very difficult for us to wholeheartedly meet the needs of our children.. The way to spoil children is by neglecting their needs. Always remember that meeting a child’s needs is all to the good.

Touch, hold, embrace, squeeze, cuddle, snuggle, wrestle with your child. Keep reaching for closeness. This is especially crucial for boys. Male oppression sets in very early and causes boys to push you away and isolate in their distress. Let them push and show their hurts, but don’t ever believe that they really don’t want to be close. They do, desperately! Keep reaching in. Tell them it’s your need, but you just can’t help it!

We must not abandon our children to the distressful patterns of isolation that they will show us. Remember to see your child through the Eyes of Delight. Know that deep inside they really do want to be completely close with you. Have fun with it. Keep reaching in for your sweet child.